Movie Reviews: The Big Short

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Imagine a casino. Inside the casino there is a crowd around a single roulette wheel. Instead of thirty-eight numbers on a roulette wheel, imagine there are a million numbers. Then imagine people betting a huge amount of money on a single number. The casino is happy to take all bets because they don’t see how they can lose.

And then someone hits big.

This is what the Big Short is. Housing was considered the safest investment since the 1930’s. The banks packaged loans into mortgage backed securities and CDO’s and synthetic CDOs. A few bright minds bought credit default swaps against it, and won.

Big time.

Huge wins. Like buy a private island big.

The movie goes a long way to explain all of this to us. Margot Robbie and Selena Gomez are used to simplify it for the viewer. We watch Steve Carrell and Christian Bale and a few others figure out the fraud of Wall Street and what they go through to be on the right side of the bet.

The movie has a ton of star power and the acting is convincing. I particularly enjoyed Brad Pitt’s role as a disgruntled ex-banker who has a thing for post-apocalyptic preparation.  For a better movie on the financial crisis, I recommend Margin Call.

GUEST HOST: RICK RHINESTONE FROM RED RHINESTONE CAPITAL

This movie gives Wall Street a bad wrap. The financial engineers are not to be blamed for any of this. The problem were those infomercials telling people to buy houses with no money down and flip-that-house television shows that filled ordinary americans with dreams of richness. Here is a hint people: If you want to get rich, follow me at RED RHINESTONE CAPITAL where you can get in on the ground floor of Red Rhinestones we received from a Prince from Nigeria (who was down on his luck when we came into contact with him and needed our help!). These red beauties are certified by the Prince himself and for a low price of $299.99 you too can get your hands on the best quality red rhinestones in the world! Imagine this. You are cruising the streets with the top down and the wind in your face and you or your lover is rocking the biggest red rhinestone in town. Imagine going to your High School reunion and telling stories of how you got the inside deal on the lucrative red rhinestone market. Call me. Matt has my number. (FACT CHECK: I have Rick’s card, which he shoved under my door much like the Chinese Restaurant Menu from Mr.Wang’s down he street)

Movie Rating: 7/10

Movie Review: Big Trouble in Little China

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I recently watched a bonafide classic, Big Trouble in Little China, and to me, John Carpenter’s tale still holds up to this day. The story itself is not special; it’s a basic fish out of water tale with the hero, Jack Burton, acting as a sidekick of sorts. The story is filled with brothels, mysticism, a lightning God, girls with green eyes, sorcery, and kung fu. What else could you ask for? It also has a villain that gets so angry and depressed at his master’s demise, he throws the biggest fit this side of China Town. Jack Burton proves how manly of a man he is by leaving Gracie at the end to move on to his next adventure.

To me, there is only one Jack Burton. I refuse to watch any remake of this cinematic classic. The Rock might get a payday and flex his muscles and wink his eyebrow to the audience but they won’t accept it.  This will become Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson doing I Spy or Steve Carrell doing Get Smart or Jackie Chan in the Karate kid or Russell Brand in Arthur or all of the other piles of garbage. The people will forget and dismiss it as a joke and go back to watching the original Jack Burton. They remade Conan without Arnold and what happened? It flopped.

Here is a secret. They call it a cult classic because the movie wasn’t commercial to begin with. The quality grew the audience over time through word of mouth and repeat viewings on TV. Remaking cult classics is not a formula for success.

Please, for crying out loud, come up with something original.

GUEST INTERVIEW: A LIST ACTOR WITH D MINUS TALENT

I don’t know what kind of amateurish bull crap this post is, but he has it all wrong. The Rock would be excellent-0 like yellow jello if they remake this film. Do you know how much chicken The Rock has to eat to look that lean? Those muscles don’t come from custard pies. By saying The Rock can’t be Jack Burton is completely typecasting him. He can totally be a sidekick and goof up the entire film and get his but whipped. Of course he will let people punch him and let someone else take all the victories in the movie. Did you see him in Be Cool? He has natural comic given talent. Just look at that shirt. You can’t honestly say the biceps of The Rock wouldn’t just rock out that shirt. He was born to hunt down Lo Pan and rescue the girl with green eyes. If this is your first blog post, you really have a rude awakening if you want to bash Gods-gift-to-eyebrow-lifting.

Movie Rating (Classic Review): 9.5/10 Green Eyes