Foodie Review: Nachos at the Bowling Alley


What do you do when you walk over at lunch for a quick bite at the bowling alley and they are so popular the wait is 25 mins for grill grub?

You order some nachos.

I was on the go, I didn’t have that kind of time to wait, so going to a tried and true staple takes me to my childhood.

I was a total weirdo as a kid. I would walk from my house at the age of 10 about a mile to the bowling alley after a quick stop in a store to buy a G.I. Joe. This is happiness at 10 back in 1989-1992.

I was a lone traveler even then. That was a different era when 10 year olds could roam around stores and go to bowling alleys by themselves and nobody gave a shit. Entertainment? Go play outside and come back when it gets dark, unless you are playing flashlight tag, in that case, it doesn’t matter.

In the summers, I would be all sweaty from walking, and would stroll in the bowling alley, walk up to the counter, and order nachos. I’m not sure what the culinary appeal of the bowling alley grill is. Usually teenagers man the counter and the grill itself appears to be from the Great Depression; it doesn’t matter. Day after day people stick their fingers in loaner bowling balls and then eat bowling alley finger foods like this. They drink beer, tell stories, and have a good time. These are my kind of people.

The bowling alley serves food for the common food palette. Ain’t no cheesecakes and lettuce wraps and prime rib being served here. Nope.

So as an adult with a career, why the hell do I stop at the bowling alley? It’s simple; it is sure the hell cleaner than any fast food joint. If I want a quick burger, they actually put a patty on the grill and cook it in front of my eyes. Burger King coats their patties in some weird “flamebroil” sauce and sticks it in a warmer. And when I say patties, the bowling alley uses real stuff from sysco or something. I have no idea what Burger King uses. I’m convinced the secret “flamebroil” sauce is actually leftover jet fuel from the NASAs space shuttle program. McDonald’s? Nobody knows what the hell is in that patty. Is it 50% grade Z meat mixed with sawdust? Who knows. What I do know is that it is essentially a microwaved turd.

Yes, I know. I should go to Five Guys and pay $17 for a meal. I’m on a budget as a penniless writer. $3.50 is more my price point.

I always feel sick 30 mins after eating McDonald’s. Always. Burger King I feel sick around 3 mins after realizing it was yet another fucking mistake to order a #1 meal. I tried their frap last week and felt sick after one sip of whatever the hell that was.

How many times have I felt sick eating at the bowling alley?

Zero.

Imagine that.

Gamer Reviews: Elder Scrolls IV OBLIVION (XBOX 360)

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This was the first game I ever purchased when I bought the XBOX 360. I had skipped the first XBOX so this was my first foray into what Microsoft could do. I still remember my visit to gamestop around two weeks after launch.

ME: Do you have any Xbox 360s?

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE: *eyebrow raised* Uh … yeah man. We got lots of them.

ME: *Feeling foolish for misreading system launch hype* Ah ok. I’ll take one.

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE: Okay man. Cool. Is that all?

ME: *Remembering as a kid, new systems came with games* Uh, does it come with any games?

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE: Naw man. You gotta buy the games.

ME: Cool. Yeah. I know. Um. What’s out that’s good.

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE: *Thinking a true moron was in front of him* Well … people have been liking Oblivion, but we only got one copy left. It’s the big box special edition.

ME: What does that mean?

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE: A bunch of extra features. A map. A documentary.

ME: Ok. I’ll take it.

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE: Cool man, check it, why don’t you wait here a sec while I grab the console from the back.

I stood there three minutes then browsed the limited selection of games and picked up Perfect Dark on top of Oblivion. I went to check out and another Gamestop employee walked out from the back as the receipt for $440 dollars was handed to me.

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE #2: Hey dude, you got my copy. Good on you!

ME: Wuh?

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE #2: Yeah, that was my copy. I just traded it in today.

ME: Why?

GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE #2: Just wasn’t my thing.

Me: *Fuck* (in my head)

Shit. So I had been baited to buy the Oblivion. It had probably been some Gamestop challenge to try and sell the game within 2 hours for free pizza or something. Undaunted, I went home and hooked up the XBOX 360 and did all those stupid updates and set up a gamer profile and then popped in the Oblivion disc. I laid the system flat because I didn’t quite understand how the XBOX 360 was meant to stand straight up.

After a short intro and Patrick Stewart’s voiceover, I was immersed in the game. I was stuck in the sewers with nothing. I literally began my XBOX 360 experience punch rats with my fist. From there, I learned how to game all over again. I added all sorts of weapons and armor and potions and conquered many quests. It took me at least 7 hours to learn that I could hyper jump from checkpoint to checkpoint. I must have ran on foot in those hills getting attacked by raiders for like 80% of the first day.

Was the game good?

I think I didn’t turn it off till 4am, so yeah, it was good.

What were the highlights? I think learning about the arena and being able to fight as a gladiator was a major surprise. When I found out I could gamble on myself, I was happy with glee because I was one invincible motherfucker in the arena. My next favorite highlight was walking in the citadel and fighting the city guards, who would whoop my ass until I beat the game and got the best armor and shit. Then, around 20 hours in, I discovered if I just dropped all my heavy shit and just ran through the little hell levels, I could beat it in like 3 minutes, plus, I didn’t need to complete all the quests for the final battle. (Hindsight, it would have been cooler to go through the story and get all the support from the side characters and battle with them alongside me, but I got the gist with half the cast)

It was a game that told me what gaming had become since my college days. It was epic storytelling and immersive and took me around 40 hours of my life and I thank Bethesda Softworks for it.

Gamer Rating: 10/10 Scrolls

GAMER INTERVIEW: GREG THE GAMESTOP EMPLOYEE

Yeah man, I remember him. The store was empty because we were located right across from a Walmart that sold the XBOX 360 for a lower price than us, plus they have a real cool concept where a shopper can eat McDonalds while shopping. We surely don’t have a McDonalds in here, but if we did, I would totally be eating fries all day. But this guy, he had this real elitist stink to him, almost like he expected the store to be filled with Board games but then was trying to play it off like he wasn’t. He then asked me where all the Super Nintendo games were, and I’m not gonna lie, I just kind of thought I had the stupidest customer in the world in front of me. I then told him we didn’t carry that in stock anymore, but we had a new system, an XBOX 360. He took the bait. So check it, this is what we did, I had my friend Jack print out a new price that was $15 higher than the special we were running that week, and he snuck it over and put Oblivion on the shelf when this schlub wasn’t looking. We charged him the extra $15 and went over and got us some tasty McDonalds. 

NOW CHECK OUT MY COMMENTARY REVIEW OF THE GREATEST FIGHTING GAME OF ALL TIME